L. E. Book, 12/8/10

I have always had a tough time thinking of January as a Beginning, or as a time to start fresh, make changes.  January is smack in the middle of winter.  I do not typically do real well in winter, particularly in regards to personal change or motivation.

So, as seems typical for me, I find myself depressed and lethargic at the start of the year, low on energy and motivation, sleeping too much but still tired.  I have always found myself in some sort of “hibernation mode” in the winter.  I try to fight it, I plague myself over unaccomplished goals – like the same old battle to organize and clean up my house; and I do tend to accomplish things some times in sporadic, energetic bursts, which last for a few hours, let me feel gratified at the progress, but then the activity never continues.  I suppose I gradually am getting some things done, although at this rate it could take years.  It has already taken ONE.

The beginning of February shows one whole year since the death of my mother.  So I have been trying to do this for a year.  I guess that, in fact, I am still grieving.  The house will get done eventually.

And I should not forget that it has only been a few months since I quit smoking.  As I NOW know, on doing this a second time, the changes and effects of quitting take a very long time.  It is not just hormones that are in flux and I must be patient.

All of a sudden, in a surprising, impulsive, almost unconscious move – I find myself subscribed to Match.com.  What on earth am I doing?  (Could this perhaps have anything to do with my x-husband’s sudden, recent move here after all these years?)  I find this experience overwhelming, somewhat scary, very nerve-wracking – but so very compelling and tantalizing also.

It does make it somehow easier to deal with my frustration, anger, and distress over having to deal with my X.  This has all gotten me all out of whack and feeling out of control.  So it seems I have found a pleasant, albeit scary, distraction.  This leads me to some major self-discovery work.  I try to perceive myself from different viewpoints; to figure out who I might now be, and I realize many things; primarily that I think I finally know who I am and I feel more honest and whole.  This leads me to pay more attention to what I want in a man and searching for someone who is appropriate for me, rather than trying to find someone who will find me interesting and desirable.  This is a different approach and feels much healthier.  I intend to take it slow and careful.

In the meantime, I am having trouble sleeping.  This fact contributes to my feeling so scattered and dysfunctional.  I am suddenly experiencing intense cravings; yearnings for some undefined “something.”  I put a lid on certain kinds of desires for the last 7 or so years.  I now feel like a pressure cooker who is about to explode; like I am plugged into an electrical socket.  This is a Powerful distraction.  But I tell myself I must pay attention; I must not throw things blindly to the wind.

I am now very aware of how much parenting requires from me.  I need to pull myself away from my distractions and attend to what is most important.  I find myself needing to deal with my son’s anger and resentment towards his dad.  This is difficult but yet this situation relieves my resentment towards my X, as I see how truly my son does need and want me when the chips fall.  The “honeymoon” with dad is now over and Real Life is not so simple.  But I am gratified as I see my son gradually come to terms with things, with my help.  Now if I could only do that for myself…..

I feel like I desperately need something to happen to cause me to be inspired and motivated again, to get on top of my shit.  I am still struggling with lethargy.  I begin to feel a victim of my cluttered house but I can’t seem to do anything about it.  I remember how, when I quit a job that I once had, the CFO told me that I couldn’t quit because he would have to hire four people to replace me.  So if I am capable of that, which I was, then why can’t I do this?  It blows my mind.

All I want is Beauty, Order, and Balance.  I want wholeness.  I want Space.  I find myself wasting so much time just sitting and staring at the rain.  I hate winter.  I can’t quit thinking and fantasizing about dating, about men, about sex.  I feel like I am flying in circles; I am a frustrated mess and it does not feel good.

Then spring arrives.  I love spring; this is my favorite time of the year and I start to feel significantly better.  The sunshine comes back.  And I am starting to date.  I find myself feeling much younger than I have for years.  I feel like I’ve shed a layer of skin.  It is exhilarating.  But it is also nerve-wracking; it has been so long!  My first date is just… weird.  And on the way home, I smoked a cigarette.  The first one since I quit in October.  Even worse, it tasted too good.  I did not let myself worry.  I had too much else on my mind.  And I am feeling so ALIVE.

I meet Louis.  …And also, Rex.  I like them both.  What if I date two men?  I am multifaceted and have never believed that one single man could possibly fulfill my needs, but what about two?  These two are very different from each other.  They appeal to two different but important aspects of myself.  I have always been a one-at-a-time kind of person, but I have also not been successful at relationships; would two be better?  It’s an intriguing idea.  I am starting to feel a bit crazy, but it is fun; I am enjoying myself.

But then – and I’ve had to stop at this point now while writing this; leave a blank space and come back to it.  …Because otherwise, I will never get this done.  I have worked on this for weeks, if not months, but every time I get to this place, I stop and get stuck.  It is too hard.  So, I will come back to this.

*  *  *

I did start smoking again.  I made it but five months — thought I was so strong and so over it, that I could risk an occasional cigarette.  Needless to say, I learned the hard way, but at least I did learn.  I spent most of the rest of spring and summer trying to summon up the ability to stop again.

I did manage a fairly sublime summer.  I spent as much time outside as possible, soaking up the sun, watching the birds, feeling the breeze.  I spent a lot of time in contemplation, listening to music, trying to just live in the present and come to terms with things.  And I smoked.  I spent time with Louis, sometimes with our kids, sometimes just the two of us.  I was rediscovering pleasure and that is good; a new perspective.  I also am becoming more and more comfortable with my drawing, with my art, and I am learning to be free with it.  This gives me great pleasure.  I am feeling my power again.

During this time, however, I learn that my sister’s husband is afflicted with liver failure.  This is very sad, very hard.  It is shocking.  I find myself compelled to want to do something. My sister has been the glue that holds our family together, especially since our mother died.  But now I feel the need to step up to the platform.  I decide to arrange a family 4^th of July get-together, here at my house, like we always used to do when my mother was alive.  I did not know if my sister and her family would be able to come.  But I invited everyone, including Louis, who I decided needed to meet the family, and they him.  Not only did everyone, including poor sick Ken, come – but everyone, especially him, was so pleased to be able to come that it just about broke my heart and made me feel so gratified that I could do something to make such a difference.  And despite how I always used to feel – like the younger sister who didn’t have her act together – I have found that I am able to do a very good job with these things.  I used to do it on my mother’s behalf but never felt “in charge.”  Now, I felt the sense of ownership and responsibility.  And this felt so incredibly special.  I felt humbled, honored, and privileged.  And I felt like I had never in my life done anything so powerfully important.  I felt my family and the ties between us very, very clearly.  I felt how tenuous things could be if not maintained.  I chose to salvage what could have been lost.  It left an imprint on my heart and soul.  It was good for all of us, it was healing, and Louis was comfortable, and well-received.  It just was one of those really good things.  But Ken is not the man he always used to be.  It hurts.  Grief upon grief…  Thank God we all love each other.  It also felt good to be with a man whom my family clearly liked and approved of.  I gained respect – at least from my own self.

August 2^nd, I manage to again successfully (so far) quit smoking.  I pretty much know what to expect this time.  I know it will be hard, but I also know I can do it.  I am surprised and pleased to learn that Louis has decided he will quit smoking too.  That is a big positive.

And I have my first “away” trip with Louis.  We go out to Bodega for his business partner’s wedding and stay the night in the hotel.  I enjoyed it very much.  The significance of this was how it made me so aware of the fact that I have never had the benefit of being around real peers.  I did not keep in touch with school mates, do not live in the same area, and do not have any particular group of friends, especially those my own age.  Most of my son’s peers’ parents are much younger than I.  At this wedding and the party afterwards, I found myself so enjoying the feeling of being in the company of people of my own age.  It was very interesting to me.  I found myself comparing myself to others and it gave me much food for thought.  I had a great time.  Louis is so easy to get along with, even when I got a bit drunk and silly – and argumentative.  He’s a jewel.

School has started again and now I again am finding myself out of sorts though and I seem to keep forgetting the fact that I have just quit smoking again.  I want to just feel better NOW.  I continue to find myself plagued by my inability to fix my house up the way I want.  I get depressed over it.  I think about the fact that there have always been some things that I somehow am almost “magically” able to know and do.  Why can’t I transfer this ability to taking care of this house project?

I feel so strange, fog-brained disoriented, not sleeping well, and/or sleeping too much, I can’t get a grip on things.  I am also having nearly constant hot flashes.  Is this all hormones?  I re-read journals and see that I am experiencing nearly identical symptoms to what I did the last time I’d quit smoking for this same amount of time.  However, I have not had a period since June and, as of the date of this writing, this is still true.

I am drawing, this is good.  Pictures just seem to manifest like magic.

But, my X is stomping on my boundaries and I continually have to reassert them.  It sucks.

I am in a funk that seems never-ending.  But I do stuff, I am trying.  It is one day at a time.  I hurt for my sister.  I miss her.  But I let her know that I am here for her, however she needs.  I try to at least be ok so that I cause her no added distress in any way.  Somehow I am still paying rent.  I do not know how I am making it.  But I do.  It is, I guess, one of those “magical” things that I have always experienced at times.

And as autumn goes on by, I still struggle; I think I’m beginning to feel better, but everything just feels different and it’s hard to adjust.  I find that 5^th grade, new school, new teacher, is a big challenge.  There is so much homework.  I start to have serious suspicions that my son shares my ADHD.  But I know what his strengths are, and I know from experience what the challenges can be and I know I am uniquely able to help him and teach him how to make things work and between that and conferencing with the teacher, Dalton soon has adapted remarkably and is doing quite well.  Thank goodness for that.

I get to take Louis as my date to Cindy’s annual Halloween Party this year.  It is cool to be able to have adult fun, really fun.  Life is so full and I have deprived myself of so much for so long.  It is interesting.  My son has recently discovered that his mother actually likes to have fun.  He has had to adjust to my differences, but hopefully it’s been mostly for the good, other than my frequent crankiness – which, I am hopeful, will end at some point.

I have found a curious addiction lately to vampire romance novels.  They are so full of passion.  I do not know what need they are filling for me, but they serve their purpose I guess.  It is like chocolate for me.  It is very obviously a form of escape.  But I only indulge when I allow myself to without feeling guilt.

This year has seen me going thru a lot of the same kinds of cycles.  I get puzzled over why some things continue to be problems, on and on and on, and over and over again.  House, financial, and it seems I can now be considered “post-menopausal,” whatever that may ultimately mean in terms of experience.  At least I still enjoy sex.

I learn that my brother’s wife does not want to hostess Thanksgiving this year again.  My sister agrees to do it at her place.  However, she has her hands so full with taking care of her husband.  So I offer to take care of the bulk of the cooking if she will help me pay for the food.  She is happy to do so.  I invite Louis.  Again, we have a very, very nice family day and the dinner is great and I feel like everything is just a wonderful enjoyable success.  I have been enlisted to do Christmas this year at my house.  We have always done it at my sister’s.  This will be the first – but I feel honored and I am happy to do this.  Not only that, but I feel competent to actually do it as well.

Some things are getting better.  I am trying some hormone/birth control pills and it appears it is helping me feel more “normal.”  My sleeping seems to be getting a little better.  I am starting to be able to get out of bed in the morning and stay up.  I am finding that there are pros as well as cons to having my X living nearby.  It is allowing me more time and flexibility and I can at least be grateful for that.  I am also grateful that Dalton has adapted to having his father in his life and things have gotten much smoother in that regard.

And I have just had my 50^th birthday.  A landmark sort of time I guess; I did have a very nice birthday.  I am enjoying getting the house ready for Christmas.  It may not be arranged the way I want it or free of clutter, but it can be clean and comfortable and attractive.  And it is looking good.  I have designed and started working on my 2^nd annual hand-drawn Christmas card.  I can do this.

Finally, when it comes to trying to get a handle on this year, some things become clear.  This year, my focus seems to have been on my health and taking care of myself.  I found a new psychiatrist.  I found a new dentist and visited the periodontist and I found and saw an ob/gyn.  I am finally taking care of these long-neglected things.  I am still not smoking and do not believe that I will allow myself to fail again.  That is my goal.  And I have started working on a daily exercise/walking routine.  It makes a HUGE difference.

I have started paying more attention to my eating and nutrition; I have actually even begun to eat breakfast.  I have not been a breakfast eater since I was a young kid.  I refuse to allow myself to slide into old age without doing everything I can to stay young and strong and healthy.  I absolutely refuse.

And also significant to my health and well-being, is that I have a man in my life with whom I enjoy a positive, healthy relationship.  I have learned a lot this year.  But I am impressed at this time that part of my difficulty I believe is that I have been trying to go from Point A to Point C, without stopping at Point B.

I know what I want now.  I never used to have a clue.  But I do know.  That is huge.  But just knowing does not mean immediately having.  And I think what my lesson is for the year is PATIENCE.

It is clear that I have been working on my Health and Wellness.  I have always considered that to be the foundation for anything; no achievement means anything if you do not have this first.  So this is where I am.  I failed in my first attempt to quit smoking, but that is part of the process and I know that.  While I have felt like I have been going in circles and repeating things, I have actually accomplished quite a lot.  I am not the same person in some ways.  But all I can believe is that who I am becoming is simply a stronger, healthier person.  I must just have patience and perseverance and believe that when the time is right I will achieve the Order and Balance that I so crave.  I will achieve the dreams that have become so clear to me now.  One step at a time.

I also see where I need work.  I could not write about this business with Rex.  And I think this issue is critical to my Soul.  I want to address this.  In addition, I need to address some issues regarding money and how I can learn to make it work for me instead of against me.  I no longer wish to suffer and I insist on learning to let go of my fear and take control.

I feel like I have suffered a lot this year; like I have struggled and not really done anything worth talking about.  But I am now starting to see the big picture and am realizing some important things.  I am still learning and growing.  I just need patience.  I am changing and change does not feel comfortable, not at all.

This year for me has been largely about Relationships, about health and well-being, about creativity and spirit.  Mostly it has been about learning to be patient and not fret and also about who I really am and who I want to be.

A final significant thing is that just this very week I FINALLY figured out how to use the “31 point plan” and what it really means, what its purpose is and how to utilize it.  I never really “got it” before so this is kind of big.  I have learned what it is that makes me feel good.  And it is very simple actually.  I do not know why I could never do this before.  It is not about having goals.  It is about simply LIVING.  I finally know that every day I need to write in my journal, to draw, to listen to music, to eat breakfast, to go for a walk, to be outside and see the sun, and I need to take stock of all I am grateful for.  It is simply about being alive.  And it feels good.

 * * *

I didn’t really use the “Goal Categories” this year to write my summary.  But sometimes things just seem all mixed up together and I think I probably touched on most of these areas.  

PATIENCE is the word for this year – something I have never been too terribly good at.  

 ###

L. E. Book, 12/16/09

This time last year, I was in a completely different space – one of underlying fear and despair but with glimmerings of hope and determination.  I had only been coming to Group for a couple of months. I was in dire straits financially, overwhelmed and overburdened by caring for my mother and raising my son on my own, and had reached a place where my life was simply not satisfactory; it was no longer working for me.  But, with Molly’s help and by coming to Group, I felt that things were perhaps starting to look up.  I had started to give myself permission to write and work on some things that gave me pleasure and I was learning a lot about ADD and life in general.  But, although I summed up that year with the word “enlightenment” little did I know that I was just beginning, or how far I would come over the next year.  Sometimes I hardly recognize myself, but looked at in another way, I am finally able to recognize myself as the person that I have always been – and just didn’t know it.  I no longer need to be the chameleon; I am simply myself – but also I am more than I have ever been, or could ever before believe – but I am not yet done.

January:  tough

• Started out frustrated and fearful but determined.  I made the decision to apply for SSDI benefits and also started seeing a therapist regularly for help with parenting in order to feel more self-confident and in control.  I started to become aware of anger and ways that I was victimizing myself and I thought about how I might convert that anger into positive energy.
• So worried about my mother; trying to hang in there with my goals – writing, working, balance – so hard; too much on my plate, too much uncertainty about how I am going to survive.
• My sister treated me to a show with her and her son one evening at the Mystic Theater; had a couple of beers and enjoyed it so much; it’d been years and years since I’d done anything similar; it was fun.
•  I’ve been writing daily, working on memoirs and it is good; I designed and wrote a birthday card for my mother and somehow I knew subconsciously that it would be her last…

February: intensely, deeply painful

• My mother dies – and on my son’s 9^th birthday.  It is an overwhelmingly devastating loss.  Thank God for my family, my sister, my brother, and my gem of a nephew who helps with Dalton, my sweet little boy; it’s so hard, so painful – so tough.  We cry together.
• Funeral and other arrangements to make.  People to contact; just doing what is necessary, it’s all tough, informing her acquaintances, so very hard.  I spend countless hours writing a bio of her life.  Never finished it but would like to someday.  It all becomes very numbing.
• Then I suddenly find I have more time, more energy.  There is sadness; everything feels different.  But I applied for SSDI; made a start on Mother’s room, going through her stuff; and I started again to do the Artist’s Way.  I compare where I was during the time I first did the Artist’s Way when I was pregnant and living in a seriously compromised situation.  I built myself a little “bubble” to surround myself in and I managed to choose each day to face things with gratitude and optimism, with integrity, peace and perseverance, with love, forgiveness and fortitude.  It would have been so easy to have simply despaired.  I need to remember that – NOW.
• I am struggling to discover what I want, what I need, why money and work issues are so frustrating and wrought with fear; what is this longing I have – to be a whole person, to not be beholden to anyone – to feel good about myself.  To not cause my family any pain.  I start checking into low income housing, go to a workshop and get info; fill out applications, and then I wait.  It is very hard being in limbo; don’t know if I will get SSDI, don’t know if I will have place to live – but I can only do what I can do.
• I have been learning so much: with Jane, with Molly, with Group.  Still trying to find balance and deal with chaos.  I constantly am trying to revise my “schedule,” to find something that works.  I do some organizing – cleaned out hall bookcases, threw out a lot of old magazines, etc., straightened out the electrical mess in the living room, i.e., video games, TV, etc. ; made it work so it’s no longer unsightly and dangerous.
• I’ve started doing Artist Dates – went to the Aqus Café and then later took Dalton for dinner there to see his guitar teacher play music; had a glass of wine.  New experiences, new observations, my mind is so open now.  I an observing my world – a bird pulling up a morning worm, the color of the sunset or the sunrise, deer surprisingly in a customer’s yard one day; little birds flitting around and singing in the rain.  I am not sure how to feel about anything….

March: healing; open-eyed and vulnerable

• Artist’s Dates are a wonderful thing.  I discover art galleries; I gently start uncovering who I am; I feed my soul.  Then I ignore my resistance and experience “reading deprivation.”  I make discoveries:  I work on my clips, my “illustrated discovery journal;” I organize paperwork; I rediscover the joys of PBS and of listening to music again.  Why have I deprived myself of music for so long?
• I am starting to feel more alive and connected; seeing the beauty of life.  One morning I sit while Dalton plays a computer game, I gaze out the window.  I become aware of the music from the computer game and I see two little birds bouncing along the fence in back.  And it appears they are doing a mating dance, they dance in time to the music – the male puffed up and strutting, the female coming close, then backing off again, as if she were being coy; it went on for quite some time – I was enthralled, it was so magical.  How much of my life have I simply not paid attention to, never noticed things?   I work on my “creative journal” and remember to jot down ideas, inspiration.  I begin to “collect” all kinds of “stuff.”  I work on my schedule; try to schedule in creative time, and I create a Master Task List to give myself fluff to “fill the cracks.”     I start to discover my “wants” – art, music, songwriting, sewing – I dream of my perfect “dream house.”  So much self-inquiry going on; I am coming to terms with who I am.
• I work.  I get my client work under control; I work on setting boundaries, guidelines, expectations, etc. with my son; I deal with all the social security, disability, and financial assistance paperwork and procedures.  I feel like I am floating.   I suffer a lot of emotional conflict about being “worthy” of getting SSDI – but not wanting to accept that I am dysfunctional.  I learn that it is not good for me to work at anything longer than 4-5 hours – it makes me ill and rather nutty.  I learn to darn socks.
• My sister goes to a Tibetan Prayer Ceremony and has a white prayer flag released for me.  I am blown away by her devotion to me.  What a gift of a sister she is.  We can help each other deal with our shared grief in our different ways.
• I start getting words and music, curious and interesting perceptions and impressions in my head at all and various times – synchronicities, intuition; I am flooded with new ideas and perceptions.  I wake up one morning with the theme from Howard Blake’s “Snowman” in my head: “Walking in the Air.”  I find the sheet music online.  I pick it out on Dalton’s keyboard.  I can play it.  I wish I owned the soundtrack CD.  And where did this come from?  I wonder.  It is all combined with the images of “snowy” plum blossoms on the trees outside, the mockingbirds, poetry in my head.
• I suddenly start talking to the salamander who visits me on wet evenings when I am outside smoking.  He usually freezes when he sees me.  This time I talk to him and tell him that it’s ok, he can run along home, that I won’t hurt him.  And then, surprisingly, he goes.  I think that I have made a friend and it tickles me.  I think salamanders are cute.
• I have determined that the first 3 decades of my adult life were for learning.  The last 3 decades (if I’m so lucky) will be for applying what I have learned and for living my dreams.  I must relax and trust the process.  Have I finally quit asking “why?”  I vow that the 2^nd half of my life I will not be poor; I will not smoke; and I will be happy and peaceful.
• And how is it that my Mother’s death has put me on this path of self-discovery; or did it begin long before her death – perhaps I needed some solitude that I had been lacking for so long.

April: changes, new direction

• I wrote a song.  I came up with a story idea that went with the song.  I decided to keep track for one month, of every single penny I spent and what is was and what it was for – to SEE, be aware, know what exactly it is that I do.  I am tired of struggle – I want to THRIVE.
• At about this time my sister has started to pay my bills and keep track of the inheritance money, etc.  So then I started – for the first time in years – to open my mail immediately upon receiving it and throwing out what I don’t want or need.   I reclaim a bit of my power in this way.  According to my sister, the house unaccountably starts looking in better shape.
• Unfortunately there is a communication break-down with a friend, the mother of my son’s best friend, and we lose touch.  I feel badly about it.  I feel responsible, although I didn’t mean to do any harm.   I started writing a letter but I did not finish it.  I’m not sure what to do.  Then finally, over some time, I decide to let go the “drama” and just make contact; I open the doors for her to reciprocate contact and I wait –and I let it go.
• I start organizing years of Avon paperwork and materials and throw out boxes of recycling.  I file my taxes.  Such grief over my mother – we face the final interment and put her ashes to rest.  How can she be gone? 

May: surprise and forward movement

• I am thinking about dreams.  For years I used to always dream about buildings.  Big, giant, many-roomed buildings – I would be continually searching for something, from room to room.  And I would suddenly become aware that something – a monster, something horrible – would be pursuing me and I would know that I needed to find what it was I was searching for before whatever-it-was caught up with me.  It would then be right behind me and I would wake up.  I never knew what it was that I was looking for.  But it was always buildings.  Sometimes in those dreams I would find that I could fly.  Recently I find I always dream about the ocean.  About bridges, roads, going up and around and all over – often, it is like S.F., only different.
• Artist Dates – these are fun and I decide to do some things that I have been putting off for years; I take my broken camera to the camera shop to see if they can rescue the film that has pictures of my son’s 4^th birthday party.  Success!  I wonder why I didn’t do this 5 years ago.
• Finding solace in music, allowing the music/ideas/dreams/ imagination – all that stuff – to emerge – but battling with the other side (left brain, right brain stuff); responsibilities and duties vs. such creative longings – teeter-tottering back and forth; I need BALANCE.
• I manage to take my son to the Butter & Egg Day Parade – for the 2^nd year in a row.  That feels good.  My sister and I experience our first Mother’s Day without our mother.  Together we visit her and place flowers on her crypt.  It is peaceful there, but it is hard.
• I make decision to spend my tax refund in a way that creates an angry situation between me and my sister.  There is too much financial baggage, pain, suffering, emotion.  We seek Molly’s help, together.  I endure humiliation, but it is my own fault.  I try to think of it without the context of “fault.”  It is hard.  But my sister and I love each other.  It is all very humbling.  It also makes me angry.  But what can I do?  I need to learn.  THIS is the nature of my dysfunction – this thing about money.  And ignoring it will not make it go away.  I am willing to learn, albeit I am still rebellious and resentful; mostly I am just confused…
• I decide to start writing again.  I organize my stacks of journals and writing projects.  I write and writing is BLISSFUL.  I decide I want to finish my “Little Pig” story and perhaps I can do the illustrations?  I cautiously try to draw some pigs.  And I feel hopeful.  Then I draw some more things.  And I draw and draw and draw and DRAW and it is WONDERFUL.  And I am, maybe, kind of, sort of, possibly – good?  Wow.  This is magical, marvelous, LIFE-CHANGING and extremely exciting to me.  I CAN DRAW.  I CAN DRAW WELL.  This means I can write and illustrate my book, doesn’t it? – so I finish the story.  Wow, thank you, Molly!  Now I shall illustrate it, if I can.
• I make some progress on my house.  I clear out my shoes, I clear boxes from the hall, seeing some gradual progress.  And I gradually start to believe in my dreams; that I will publish; that I will be ok.  It is Blind Faith and perseverance – lots of emotional ups and downs.  I start to explore drawing with color, using ink, different materials and techniques.  And I am doing pictures for my book.  This is so incredible.  The Artist’s Way gets somewhat forgotten.  But I am drawing!
• With the sudden cracking of these blocks, my creativity starts to burst out all over the place and it thrills me to my core.  Somehow, breaking through these blocks has me thinking that it will perhaps help me quit smoking?  I am learning how to pay attention to my desires and be good to myself.  I get scented candles and incense, good food; honor my body and my soul, learn how to slow down and FEEL, and SEE, and BE – in the moment.  And I know that everything that IS, is OK – by the simple fact that it IS.  “It is what it is” has become my mantra.  I never before knew just how profound and freeing that statement really is.
• Such joy – I can actually FINISH something?  Is this true?  Maybe I can actually succeed; earn money even?  I feel surreal.  There is light ahead after years and years of being in the tunnel.  Perhaps I am arriving, finally I am healing.  I am becoming myself.  Doodles and sketches suddenly start appearing in my journals.  I don’t recognize this person!  Or do I?
• THEN – trouble in the bubble!  I think I’ve forgotten how to draw!  Was it a cruel joke?  I am losing my mind!  Or perhaps I am simply overwhelmed.  But it seems something happens when I am given an “assignment.”  I try to hang onto my wits and force myself to LET myself draw.  Whew.  Depression, hormones, overwhelm, life happens.  Hormones cause havoc in my life these days.  Can we say “peri-menocrap?”  It sucks.  It is what it is.  I am going through so many changes here.  Am I eating enough?  I decide to log what I eat and drink every day for one week – to be aware of what I do, to make sure that I am taking adequate care of myself in this way.
• I am plagued by the issue of money.   I explore conflicted feelings about my not wanting to accept others’ interpretation of reality – am I just stuck in “denial?”  But I feel that I must believe in magic, or there is only emptiness.  I choose to hold onto faith and wait for the magic, is that so wrong?  It has often worked – if I pay attention.  Or am I just crazy….  But I believe in this formula:  Desire, Ask, Believe; Receive – and be Grateful.  And it does work.
• So I sit back and I give myself permission to unleash years of backed up and blocked creative outflow.  I am hit with insights:  that I am strong and that faith can move mountains.  A mountain was blocking my creativity and I moved that mountain; can I now move the mountain that is blocking me from having the right home and the ability to be financially solvent?  But I know no actions to take.  I can only do my work; and believe; and be grateful and free.

June: Breathe, regroup

• And then SSDI is approved!!!  That is one miracle accomplished!  RELIEF!  I am still not sure what will happen with my housing – but, in the meantime, perhaps a respite.  And I have Dalton’s summer pretty well scheduled with camps, sports, swimming lessons – good job there.
• I start trying to quit smoking – first I log every cigarette to see how many I smoke and in what circumstances.  I need to be aware of what I do.  Then I gradually reduce how many I smoke each day.
• I manage to clear out several boxes in office; cleared out pantry and kitchen cupboards, cleaned off counters and got rid of junk.
• I design PowerPoint birthday card thing for my sister.  I spend too much time on it and get frustrated, so have to stop – good enough.  But I would like to polish it at some point.
• Dalton and Tyler get in bunches of trouble.  But I am finally learning how to be tough and matter-of-fact about things; dealing with things much better.  Parenting is hard, but I’m doing ok.  I think I’m ready to start scheduling dental work.  Not sure yet if I am actually going to be able to quit smoking, but summer has started out on a positive note.  There is hope.

July: trying, struggle

• And I didn’t forget the free day at the SF Exploratorium; I take Dalton, Branwyn & Tyler. Tyler sort of spoils the fun, but it’s still an enjoyable day.  I am proud of myself for doing this.  I have never been there before.  I enjoy doing stuff like this with my son.
• And I need direction:  Now that my fear over getting SSDI is taken care of, what do I do – will I really make enough money to live here; I’m still upset over this; I want to write, not work – as far as what my interpretation of “work” is – I explore online writing opportunities but I am unsure what to do; I feel so ignorant.  But my perspective has broadened; I am willing to learn.  I keep getting new ideas for books, stories; I jot down notes.  I continue to try to organize, go through boxes of Avon paperwork and records and throw out tons of stuff.   I go back to doing the Artist’s Way and I attend a mini writing workshop at Copperfield’s; I loved it, got books autographed, and it was inspiring and fun.  I am grateful to my brother and his wife for taking Dalton and making this possible for me to do.
• I am badly distracted by being worried about housing/finance; do not know what to do or how to deal with it; where do I PUT this issue?  Struggling with too much bouncing around in my head; I seem to be experiencing occasional auditory processing trouble – I seem to recall that this has occasionally been a minor issue my whole life, don’t know what that means, but it’s interesting I guess.  It is probably just stress.   I don’t want to think or talk about or deal at all with the issue of quitting smoking or of money.  I want to AVOID.  And what will make me happy?  I sleep late, I stay up late reading – rebellion out of needing my time and space; it’s just summer stuff I guess, mainly; no time to myself.
• I make myself a much-needed dental appointment, but things conspire to prevent me from ever making it there.  The kids delay me, I forget the directions, traffic is bad – I call to say I will be late.  Then – I get lost, forget how to get there, get totally stuck in traffic and start to freak out.  I feel stupid and irritated, frustrated and disgusted with myself.  I eventually figure out how to get there but by this time I cannot emotionally deal with the idea of going to the dentist, I am a wreck!  I call and say I can’t come.  I want to turn around and go home, but I feel mortified and unable to cope.  I feel completely dysfunctional and cannot cope; I cannot go home and deal with children, what do I do?  I do not want to admit to this malfunction and this sort of thing has happened to me before, more than once, in my life.  It renders me nearly in despair!  I feel completely out of my mind and disconnected and in a near panic, I call Molly.  I decide to stop at the Aqus Café and have a glass of wine.  This I do – I had two glasses of wine.  This brings out other strange feelings of isolation and loneliness.  I feel old and that makes me resentful.  I am watching a young band set up for the evening gig.  I am wishing I was that young.  I have forgotten how to have fun, if I ever knew how (without just hanging out and getting drunk like I used to, although that was fun); I feel lost and discouraged; isolated in my head.  But I am a Mom.  I get over it, calm down, and go home to be a mom.  I am ok; I will reschedule the dentist – perhaps after the school year starts again.
• I still work, but only enough to take care of my responsibilities; payroll taxes, insurance audits, client requests.  Sometimes I don’t even want to bother to charge for my time, it just doesn’t feel comfortable – or worth it really.  But I do.  I know I probably under-charge a good bit of the time.  I like my clients.  Whatever… Why don’t I care?

August: stuck

• I am working with Molly on various tasks, trying to find balance, deal with my messy house; depression.  But I work on my bedroom, dressers, boxes in the hall, kitchen, and I start project of organizing Legos, which is a big, long-desired project, nice mindless busy work and the gratitude of seeing results.
• I do a finished piece of artwork which I mat and frame and mount on the living room wall – just in time for family get-together.  I need the validation and the visual reminder to myself that I am an artist, that I can do this.  I am pleased.  And I host the first family get-together we have had since our mother passed.  I competently and happily pull it off.  Good stuff – but I have failed at my first stop smoking effort; I decided the gradual method wasn’t going to work.  I couldn’t keep track of it for one thing.
• And while I am succeeding at finishing some drawings, I am having difficulty knowing how to finish my “pig” project.  I am not sure what is blocking me.  I am confused.  Perhaps I need some help getting to the bottom of this issue.  Is it that I am afraid?  Or do I just need help setting specific tasks or something?  I am not sure.  I have questions about the wisdom or benefit (or potential detriment) of having multiple projects or tasks concurrently.  Do I just get bored?  This might be a significant issue.  And hooray, school starts back again.

September: magical, powerful

• I experiment with different art media; trying to work on “Purvis” – I struggle with knowing I should be working; I often forget even (to work) and that is strange to me.  But I have so many new things to think about – things that make me happy.
• I work on designing and implementing behavioral-type systems; responsibilities and expectations, etc., for Dalton, but I soon forget those things too.  All I can do is keep trying I guess.
• I work on clearing out my books and organizing them.  I donate several boxes of books to the library and that feels huge.  I visualize and plan how I would like my house and particularly my office to look and be.
• I find myself getting interested in all sorts of topics; I research, I write all sorts of things; I start to make discoveries about myself, about ADD, about creativity and life; I think of ideas for articles, books, lots of things; insights to explore.  My brain is happy when engaged.  I begin to assert myself, to myself; assign some value to who I am.  I get rebellious and angry, but I feel strong, determined, and pretty darn good.  I write lots of good stuff; experience major brain dumps – possible material for my book?  The more I learn, the faster my mind works; the more connections I make, the more ideas I come up with, it is self-perpetuating fuel.
• I am reminded to trust my instincts and intuition.  One morning I simply perceived that something was amiss with one of the tires on my car.  Nothing was visible except a possible need for some air.  I went with my instincts and took the car in and thereby averted a potential expensive and/or dangerous problem. The mechanics gifted me by doing the necessary work for no charge.
• On the night of 9/11, there was a significant and highly unusual thunderstorm.  When it woke me I had to go outside to see it and to smell the ozone.  I love electrical storms; they make me feel so alive.  That is the only thing I miss from other parts of the country.
• This must be a magical month; I am aware of various interesting synchronicities; I feel “powerful,” psychically “plugged-in.”  I hear music playing in my head; frequently original music from nowhere; lots of things seem just “magical.”  Writing is like a drug; the “high” sometimes lasts for days; I float, I feel serene.  These feelings have been virtually unheard of in my life, although aspired to.
• I make new friend in Tina; she invites me to see her son paint at the Mail Depot – a Sonoma County Arts council event to support young artists.  I enjoyed it very much; I was (for the first time?) able to congratulate Toby and feel honest pleasure from his efforts in a totally (or nearly) unselfish way – partially due to the validation I received from Tina when I showed her my art; I was able to confidently consider myself an artist and feel on equal footing and capable of unselfish praise; it felt very good, very freeing, very honest; no envy or regret.  I was aware, however, that I wished I were not a smoker.  I had a hard time being content, being still.  I took the little boys for a walk and that helped.  I was aware that this was an experience that I rarely was able to even do.  Has being a smoker been cheating me from a lot of life?  Like being a blocked artist has?
• I start to plan how I will quit smoking.  As my “carrot” I think I will use the dream of receiving the Sect. 8 housing voucher so that I can make this place my home – or get my “dream home” at some point – maybe after publishing success.  I think that with quitting smoking I will be nearly THERE, home-free to my dreams; that nothing can stop me now.  Wow.

October: determination

• Still feeding my very hungry brain.  I feel so alive when I am digesting new info; forming new perceptions.  And I Love to write.  I decide that Drawing is Joyful; Writing is Bliss.  And I am going to quit smoking.  Whatever it takes; and I will be good to myself.
• On 10/19^th, I QUIT.  Visualization of nicotine addiction as a crazed junky of a rodent, a tired and worn-out little chipmunk who has seen better days; whatever works, I have quit.
• Dalton has to go to the dentist suddenly on my 2^nd day of Quit; he has an abscessed baby tooth, a molar that must be pulled.  I feel sorry for him; I am amazed that I manage to make it through this day without smoking.  I do end up with some kind of shoulder/back dysfunction that leaves me on the couch with a heating pad, but perhaps I need that excuse to lie around and read and do nothing – I am quitting smoking, which is HUGE.  I still can be hard on myself and have difficulty relaxing without feeling guilty.  But I do it.  I end up sending my “chipmunk” to the “clean-up crew” in my lungs to repair the damage.  I don’t seem to be coughing as much as I would expect.  But my lungs do not feel bad.
• There are lots and lots of changes from quitting smoking, physically, mentally; I have to learn how to change how I do everything; rewrite my modus operandi; redefine who I am.  It is not easy.  I read a lot.  I also manage to attend Cindy’s annual Halloween party for the first time, with Dalton during my first week of quitting; lots of firsts; lots of opportunities to reinforce my new existence as a nonsmoker.
• I am surprised and pleased to run into my friend Corey who I was missing so very much, hoping I didn’t ruin our friendship.  She was happy to see me too and we reestablished our friendship; good for us and good for our boys.

November:  coping

• I am doing some interesting reading about the idea of reality being subjective and I wonder if my beliefs in the magic of it all is real or if my experiences and perceptions are just self-deception; I wonder if anything is real unless we believe it is and I think about the fact that our intention does affect our reality.  Or perhaps I am just crazy… but that doesn’t really bother me.
• I learn about Nicotine and learn what an evil and insidious liar and cheat that it is.  This gives me anger and fuels my desire not to succumb.  I dream about smoking by “accident” which leaves me with horrible regret and I realize how glad I am that I have the power of choice over whether I smoke or not.  I am not its victim any more.  I start logging what I eat and drink every day for a week to ensure I am eating ok.  I worry about gaining weight.  I gain 2 lbs.
• I get my teeth done.  This has been something needing to be done for at least five years.  It is a relief and a burden.  It is painful but not as much as I feared.  It is a rather large adjustment but I have a lot to be grateful for in my ability to do this and what the result will be.  I lose any post-smoking weight I might have gained because it is too painful and difficult to eat like I am accustomed to.  I decide that my weight that has always been the same will simply remain always the same.  Fair enough.  It seems true; one less thing to concern myself with is a benefit.
• As I adjust to my new non-smoking self, and my “new” teeth, I start to think again about my goals.  I often have had to “restart” where my goals are concerned, sometimes just due to distraction or forgetfulness.  My goals have always had the priority of 1) Health first, 2) then Order, 3) Goals accomplishment and 4) helping others.  That just always seems the way, although I’m not sure where it all came from.  I start out with finishing my “dragons” drawing.  That feels good.  I know I need to get back to working on my “Purvis” illustrations.
• My son has been great through all of this; he makes Honor Roll and is deemed eligible to partake in the GATE program; I am proud of him; however I am also aware that he is bored, he does not have to try very hard, and he does not put in much effort.  I encounter behavior problems at times and have to deal with the challenges that arise from having such a gifted and intelligent child – alone.
• I realize that my biggest challenge and priority – and thorn in my side – is the state of chaos and disorder in my house; there is too much STUFF.  It occurs to me that I am feeling a victim to my environment here and to this issue.  But perhaps if I apply the same power of choice, of intention, of integrity, that I used to give me the ability to quit smoking – can I divert such power to this issue to bring order out of chaos?  I am tired of the inertia I experience in this matter.  Inertia sucks.
• And Dalton’s father IS actually moving here.  I am speechless – for now.
• And peri-menopause is TOUGH and awful.  And I feel like my son is taking advantage of me, and my x-husband is too.  I feel weak; I need ORDER, I need my BED to myself!  But I can’t even motivate my son to clean up his room and sleep in his own bed, I’m pathetic.  I’m depressed.  Hard to get up in the morning, hard to function; I’m stuck again in my head.  Trouble getting my meds – again.  Trouble getting my car smogged and registered on time; where is my child support?  I must still be dealing with Nicotine withdrawal issues – or hormones, or both.   But it seems that my caffeine and food intake and my sleeping habits have all adjusted back to pre-quitting “normal” mostly.  That helps.
• I have thoughts about the difference with laziness and what it means to ADDrs.  It is frustration over inability to move, not contentment to be lazy.  Motivation doesn’t correspond with the reality or something.  It is Inertia:  thinking about doing instead of doing.  I want to get out of my head and into my body and move, but I cannot!  Headaches, no energy – I should get some exercise.  I need to boost my meds back up to the normal level.  I must still be detoxing.
• My friend, Corey, has a new baby girl and I am so pleased and honored to have her friendship back again.  We contemplate sharing a house – I’m not sure.  Thanksgiving is good, I did most the cooking and meal-planning because I wanted to; poor Dalton was bit by that pathetic old dog, somewhat traumatic end to the day but we are all fine.

December:  depressed?

• My x-husband is HERE; infringing on me; wanting to spend every minute with Dalton and I let him.  I am depressed and sick; don’t feel on top of things.  But he takes Dalton so my sister and I can go out for my birthday and just getting out does me wonders.  I feel better.  I can and will deal with this but it sure isn’t easy. Dalton is so far doing great though, so I must be doing something right.
• I decide to do a hand-drawn Christmas card.  The drawing just happened but then I had a hard time figuring out how to get it into the computer in a way that worked, retaining the correct colors, etc. – it was very frustrating and time-consuming but I finally accomplished it and the satisfaction is wonderful.  I am trying to get ready for Christmas, doing OK – at least not as frantic as some years.  But I am having trouble with back pain and stiffness.  I start seeing the chiropractor.  I decide to try and get my x-husband to go with me to undergo therapy re co-parenting, with Jane.  It has come to my attention that it is a big, important issue and one with which I need help.  I am feeling a little better about things.  My moods swing up and down a lot.  We shall see.  Changes behind and changes ahead: I hope it’s all good.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED THIS YEAR:

•           TO BE MORE PRESENT, MORE AWARE
•           THAT NICOTINE IS AN EVIL AND POWERFUL LIAR
•           THAT I AM CAPABLE OF ANYTHING I MAKE MY MIND UP TO
•           THAT I NEED TO KEEP MY BRAIN ALIVE AND CREATIVE                  “OUTPUT” REQUIRES “INPUT”
•           THAT EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED.

Category Summaries:

Relationships:  I am grateful for the love in my family.  I question whether I truly know how to deal with friendships – do I not do what might be expected of me?  I don’t know.   I need to learn how to deal withDalton’s father as a co-parent in a way that works.  Overall, I do get along with most everyone most of the time.  I do know that I lack in intimacy; I am not sure how important that is to me at present.

Career/Work:  I feel sort of like I am in transition here?

Entertainment/Social Life:  I did do a few things this year that were just for fun and became aware of how I’d been neglecting that part of life.  While I am a social person, I also am perfectly content to entertain myself – mainly by having my nose in a book.  I am building awareness though.

Charity/Gifts:  I have done some making of things rather than buying, this year.  I am trying to keep my thoughts along those lines when I can.  I have donated quite a bit of things so far cleared out of the house.  And I always help out and donate at the school where I can.

Sexuality:  This area is even more vacant than my “career/work” slot.  But hope survives…

Finances:  I was approved for SSDI and have been able to stand on my feet for the most part.  But things are still a little scary.  I am paying too much in rent.  My savings is dwindling rather than increasing because I cannot meet my cost of living each month.  This isn’t good.   But I now know what my budget is, even though I cannot live within it.  Somehow this needs to change.  I HATE thinking about money, everything to do with money, to me it is EVIL.  But I know that I must change this perception if I am to be successful dealing with money.  It is something I will have to learn because it is incomprehensible to me.  But in the meantime, I am managing and I am aware of the ugly reality.  Taxes are the easy part.

Travel/Vacations:  Currently not in the realm of my reality but that could change.

Training/Education:  I continually am learning and educating myself, it is what keeps me going.

Body/Health/Beauty/Exercise:  What can I say?  I QUIT SMOKING AFTER 31+ YEARS.  It will be two months, as of Saturday.  This is good.  I also took care of getting my teeth fixed that I had put off for 5 years.  This is good.  Now I just need to incorporate an exercise routine into my life that works and becomes habit.

Acquisitions:  I need to get rid of things, not acquire things.  I have most everything I need and am not a big spender.  I have done better about going to the library instead of always buying books and I have done better refraining from buying more Avon than I sell.  Ultimately and in the not-too-distant future I want to replace my car with preferably a Honda CRV or similar.  Very ultimately and in the unknown future I would love to own my own home.

Home:  HELP, I am drowning in chaos and clutter.  I need a plan.  I also need/want a Sect. 8 voucher so I can afford to stay in this house and/or to move to another appropriate home.

Creativity:  Beautiful, magical, slightly fragile, but getting stronger.

Community:  I am not entirely sure I completely comprehend what this means or entails.  Am I missing something?

Spirit:  Healing, moving forward, and becoming free.

Therapy/Mental Health/Growth:  It is so obvious to me that what I am currently doing is worth every penny spent; I have never before seen such visible results and I am incredibly grateful.  I cannot imagine life without therapy.  And it appears that I am experiencing definite growth!

Unfinished Business:  By the end of the year I have the intention of resolving my Dell lease situation; completing (for the 1^st time) the”Artists Way” as well as “Creative License” (so I can move on to the “Energy of Money” book and the “SHED” book that I need/want to work with); I need to transport these remaining boxes to the library; to take my cat to the vet, and to develop an exercise PLAN, as well as a PLAN to clear out my house.  I also have ongoing projects and tasks that are carried forward year after year after year.  I need to do something about my housing situation and I need to complete my “Little Pig” story and attempt to get it published.  I also would like to find out about some writing type of paid work that I might pursue and how to do so.  But you know what?  For the first time, all things seem possible!  I look forward to a great year ahead.

AND FINALLY…

The WORD for the year:  when the Phoenix is reborn from the ashes, what do you call it?  Rebirth?  Metamorphosis?  A new beginning?  Regeneration? Promise…  I think METAMORPHOSIS describes it best.

###

L. E. Book, 11/19/08

This past year in most ways has been no different from any other year, except for the fact that as time goes on and I get older, things seem to pile up and often get worse.  I get more discouraged as I see the years passing without being able to accomplish my goals.

There were some significant occurrences that actually happened prior to this year that still have an impact.  Two years ago, I had a client that was basically insane:  he ended up stiffing me for about $2500; that sent me on a downward spiral from which I have never yet recovered.  At the time, I was doing quite well.  I was working hard and earning a decent income (at last); I was paying my bills on time every month and paying my credit card balances on a regular basis.  I was finally seeing a light at the end of the financial tunnel.  Then,  he suddenly “freaked out” and refused to pay me; I was suddenly unable to make my credit card payments and without this client’s income, I became unable to afford my living expenses and spiraled down into anger and depression, feeling a huge sense of betrayal.  The man was crazy and I should never have agreed to work for him.  But there was lots of work and he paid well – for a time.  It was absolutely devastating.  I stopped paying bills, my credit cards went sky high and I dug myself a very deep hole.

Then, the following year, the computer that I lease from Dell stopped working.  It was a funky problem that I could not figure out and I spent countless hours trying to come up with a solution.  In the meantime, my Dell leases were not being paid and went to collection.  I lost a year of data, I lost hours of time.  I ended up finally putting the computer away on a shelf and pulling out another one I had in storage and fixing it up to use.  Meanwhile, I have gotten my leases up to date, but I am still paying for this thing and it does not work.  I used it for one year out of the 4 year lease I am responsible for paying.  I tried talking to Dell Financial Services but they could only tell me that I had to pay the lease no matter what.  I have not been able to bring myself to figure out what on earth to do.  I have felt victimized, but yet at the same time like an idiot.  This has caused me enormous distress.  I still don’t know what to do about it.  I usually just don’t think about it.

Then this year, at the time of my son’s birthday, my x-husband came out to visit and I unbelievably came down with a case of Shingles.  It took me months to recover.  It was awful.

So things have not been real pretty.  I struggle with disorganization, procrastination, time management, and frustration.  I am in financial ruin.  But I now believe things can get better.  So here is where I am now:

Goals Categories

 RELATIONSHIPS

• FAMILY – As for my son, on the plus side, I finally managed this summer to schedule some activities for him.  I was very proud of myself for that and it did make things go easier.  I do need help with some issues regarding my son.  My inconsistency and disorganization I think interferes with my ability to parent effectively.  We have power struggles frequently and I have a hard time knowing how to deal with things.  My sister has been instrumental in helping me seek help from a child/family therapist and I am currently trying to make that happen.  As for my mother – this is sometimes difficult but I am not entirely alone; my sister is extremely helpful and supportive and I often do not know what I would do without her.  I am lucky in that we seem to have very good family bonds; there is a lot of love in this family and I am very grateful for that.
• FRIENDS – I have always had a lot of acquaintances but generally I do not put forth the effort to really have friends.  My friendships tend to go wide, but not close.  My sister is probably my best friend.  I enjoy meeting new people though; I generally like most people and feel that I gain something from everyone that I come into contact with.
• ROMANTIC – there is nothing here, has not been for many years.  Does this bother me?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I think there is too much fear, too much cynicism.  But it greatly disturbs me to think of being all alone once my son is grown up.  I always believed I would have someone with whom to grow old.  But I never feel that I have the time or energy to develop any kind of relationships.  I really am not sure how I feel about this issue.
• WORK – well there are clients and there are customers and I get along well with all.  I have always gotten along fairly well with people and I am able to keep my work relationships professional.  If there is anything lacking here, it is the fact that I often procrastinate and find myself having to apologize probably more than I should.

CAREER/WORK

• This is a “hot” issue with me.  I have always had problems in this area.  I need to make more money, but I need to find more motivation.  Things have not gotten better in this area, despite my determination to overcome and succeed.  After this many years, I realize that I am probably going about things all wrong and I very desperately need help.  I work hard, but it never gets me anywhere.  And I do not want to be miserable in what I do, which has often been the case in my life.  This is hard.  I get very confused and frustrated and distressed.  It is very hard.  And this intertwines with my financial problems because I am supposed to be the breadwinner in this house.  I have not been doing a very good job and I feel very mortified and afraid.

ENTERTAINMENT/SOCIAL LIFE

• For entertainment I read books.  And that is about it.  But I cherish my reading time.
• Sometimes my sister and I go out for a movie or dinner or something.  We don’t do it often enough though.
• I don’t really have room in my life right now for much in the way of a “social life.”  But I am generally pretty good at entertaining myself – as long as I am able to have time to myself, which is a rarity unfortunately.

CHARITY/GIFTS

• I love giving gifts.  I have always had the tendency to give more than I can afford.  I have discovered that this, in effect, can appear to be selfish when I end up having financial problems that others have to help me with because I have been too giving.  This is tough for me.
• I am one of the few parents who always volunteers every year in the classroom helping my son’s teacher.  It bothers me that so few people care enough to help, but I have to limit myself to only one morning a week for my own benefit.  I tend to spend too much on school fundraisers and such, but it’s hard not to.
• This past summer there was a time when my sister came and helped me clean out some stuff in the garage and we took it to the Goodwill.  That felt good.
• Last Christmas I had the idea to put together little “goody” bags with Avon products in them (that I have on hand and have never sold) to give to women’s shelters or something.  But I never got around to doing it.
• I have often volunteered to help people with all kinds of things, including fixing their computers, and often without charge.  At times I give Avon customers things for free.  I always wish that I could be giving without hurting my own self.

SEXUALITY

• The only thing I can say about this is that sometimes I get lonely and wonder if there will ever be another man in my life.  And also – I have been undergoing peri-menopause for a few years and that brings a lot of challenges.

FINANCES

• My financial situation does nothing but get worse.  It has reached crisis proportions.  My sister has taken on the task of trying to help me determine the overall money situation in this house – including my finances and my mother’s.  I have been experiencing a lot of fear, and shame, guilt and humiliation.  I have always had difficulties with money and I have never understood it.  I have a hard time even “looking” at it.  I need help but don’t even know where to start.
• I have no budget, my savings account rarely has any money in it to speak of, my income fluctuates dramatically and I never know what to expect.  I am unwilling to go get a regular job and that causes conflict in the family.  If there is one issue that has had the biggest impact on my life and those around me, it is the issue of money.
• I do pay/file my taxes on time, even if sometimes I have to get extensions.  At least I can say this.  Mainly because I can always expect to receive something back for my Earned Income Credit for having a child.  But the tax money disappears in about a day of receiving it.

TRAVEL/VACATIONS

• I have not had any vacations for many years.  I cannot even contemplate doing so for many more years.  I believe that I can just accept this graciously.  Right now, I don’t really want to go anywhere.

TRAINING/EDUCATION

• I am always educating myself, through reading and learning about things.  At present I have taken on the task of learning everything I can about ADHD so that I can improve my life.  It has opened me up to an enormous amount of information.
• I still would like to finish my copywriting course that I have long ago finished paying for and have so little left to do.  I need to discover why I have not allowed myself to do this.

BODY/HEALTH/BEAUTY/EXERCISE

• I have always managed to stay pretty healthy, amazingly.  I do stay fairly active and try to eat right.  I need to quit smoking, I want to quit smoking.  I’m just not quite ready, it is terrifying to me.  I also drink too much coca cola.
• My sister paid for a 10-week yoga series for me and I’ve been going once a week.  I have found it to be wonderfully therapeutic and it feels so good to feel my body getting stronger.  I would love to be able to continue to do this when this series is finished.

ACQUISITIONS

• I have mostly what I need – thank goodness.  But I very much want to buy a new car – an SUV – I feel I need it and we will soon need a new car.  I do not know how I will accomplish this.  I also need a new laser printer – badly.

HOME

• I am not satisfied with my living situation.  My home is too small, but I can’t complain because we are lucky to have it.  If I can’t find a way to afford the rent though, it will be bad.
• There is way too much stuff in this house and I am chronically, totally disorganized.  I am not a good housekeeper and the house accumulates dirt faster than I can think.  But – my sister to the rescue, she has twice sent a housekeeping team to my house to clean.  I always try very hard to keep it that way, but it doesn’t last for long.  I have huge goals of trying to simplify, de-clutter, organize, and get rid of chaos once and for all.  But this is a process that I have not yet been able to even begin.
• I work at home and need to have a comfortable space in which to be happy and productive – and my mother needs a comfortable and healthy environment too.  This needs work.

CREATIVITY

• If there is one area in which I have achieved something this year, it is this.  To begin writing again, and to set out on this course of doing it every day, a little at a time, is more wonderful than I can say.  It has opened up a lot of high hopes for me and fed my soul.  In doing this, I have also allowed myself to do other things that I have long neglected.  I have been drawing; I have let myself enjoy music again.  I am starting to accept myself as a creative person again, after all these frustrating sad years.  And I intend to hang on to this and let it take me as far as it will.  This is my reason for being, this is who I am.

COMMUNITY

• I do not know what I do for the community.  I am basically a private person, but I believe in being involved where there is a need and/or a good reason.

SPIRIT

• I am beginning to find my spiritual side again, my spirit.  My spirit has been hurting for a while, but I thoroughly believe I’m on the right track.

THERAPY/MENTAL HEALTH/GROWTH

• Thank God for Molly.  Thank God I found this group.  And that is all I can say!  Thank you!

UNFINISHED BUSINESS

• I have always had lots of ongoing unfinished business.  It doesn’t ever get done.
• Ever since my son was born I have planned to put together a Baby Book/Scrapbook for him.  I have saved all his records and keepsakes and school stuff in boxes.  I have never gotten around to starting this project and stuff keeps accumulating.  I even bought a book on scrapbooking to help me.
• I have scads of potential writing projects, home improvement/organizing projects that I’ve contemplated but never started on.
• Several years ago I enrolled in a copywriting program in the hopes of being able to engage in a career that I like, writing, and one which has a large income potential.  I have never completed it; all I have to do is the very last project and I’m done.  What has stopped me?
• I am still paying on a Dell computer lease for a computer that has not worked in over a year.  Why can’t I call them and resolve this?
• The clock radio/CD player that my brother got me for Christmas has never played CDs; I have intended to see about taking care of that – never done so.
• I have never gotten around to taking Dalton to the dentist – that is unbelievable to me.
• I am always playing “catch-up” – my whole life feels like a case of “unfinished business.”  And this is where I still am.
• And, finally – I do not know how I will pay for my Avon order tomorrow; it will be the first time in six years that I may not be able to put an order in.  I have no credit cards to use and have been living off the money.  Not good.

To close, the single most significant thing that has happened to me this year is that I sought out help for my ADD and I found Molly and joined this group.  It has opened up a whole world of possibilities to me; things that I had no hope of there ever being any resolution for.

My sister has indicated to me that she can already see many changes in me for the better.  What I am seeing and experiencing is that I am having to completely re-write my life long perceptions of just about everything.  It’s almost like I’m re-routing neurons in my brain.  At times it has been extremely uncomfortable, even scary.  To realize that my view of the world has been flawed is mind-boggling.  I have no solid ground to stand on.  But for the first time, I have some belief that things can change for the better in my life.

While I am suddenly being forced to face myself and my inadequacies head-on and admit my failings, at the same time I am learning to embrace what is good about me – to take ownership of my creative, nutty side as well and to feel good about expressing that part of myself.  ADD may have caused me enormous pain and problems in my life, but it also has gifted me with my unique perceptions and style.  If there are solutions to the problems, I can be grateful for the gifts.  And I guess that’s what it’s all about.

The word to sum up this year is:  Enlightenment.

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